I will never forget the calls from neighbors the day the 'For Sale' sign went up in our front yard. They were surprised to find out the reason for selling was because of the divorce. They all felt we had a solid marriage. I had succeeded in kidding everyone, including myself, that my life was fine.
Many women get their life priorities mixed up like me. What people thought of me was more important than how I felt about myself. Like many women, I didn't get to that place overnight and didn't even realize I was there for a while. It usually isn't until we hit some sort of emotional bottom that we are willing to take a hard look at ourselves and the life we are living.
After a while the line blurs between what is our reality vs. the illusion of the reality we work so hard to portray. For many, we begin to lose the essence of who we are at the point where the lines start to blur. I started believing my false happy married life was in fact my life. But as much as I tried to be happy, on the inside I knew it was a lie.
The subject of "how do you deal [and co-parent] with a verbally, emotionaly abusive ex-husband" was recently asked by a member of the social network and the community responded with a wealth of suggestions and advice. In particular, one member wrote an extended response, providing unique and invaluable insight on the subject. Below is her response to several specific questions that were asked.
Will He Treat The OW The Same Way He's Treated Me? First of all, a great big YES, he is, or soon will, treat the new woman in EXACTLY the same way he treated you. So stop thinking that somehow she has the magic formula, or is better in bed, or has charmed him so completely, that he has miraculously changed his ways and will be a loving and kind partner. It isn't happening and it isn't going to happen. Oh, he may be on his best behaviour for a while, but he can't maintain that good guy behavior indefinitely. It's mentally impossible for him to become a "nice guy" with women. Trust me on this one.
My ex-husband is haunting me. Even though he lives way across town with what used to be our bed and our cats, his vibration is so strong that it sails over miles of streets and rooftops to invade my space.
We were together for 12 years, married for five of them, and that was when the love we had evaporated seemingly over night. You probably could have heard the air being sucked out of the room when he said “I do” if you listened closely enough, because from that moment on he began to suck the life out of our love. I had heard that marriage changes everything but I had no clue that things could change so much in so short a time.
Since Mother's Day and I’ve been reflecting on how much I’ve enjoyed being a single divorced mother the past 9 years. Can it be challenging with the juggling of our schedules? Yes!
Am I ready to pull my hair out at times with the emotional upheaval of a teenage daughter? Yes!
Do I enjoy the fact that her current boyfriend lives 2 counties away and Face Time is how they mostly communicate? Yes!
Would I change it for the world? Absolutely Not! I love it!
My job demands occasional international travel and I have no family nearby that can jump in to assist with my daughter when I'm gone. She has a lot of after-school activities, including school band, is active in our church, dance, dance and a lot more dance.
Friends are amazed at how effortlessly our life runs with everything we have going on. And trust me, we have A LOT going on; our lives are blessedly filled.
Let me share some of the lessons I've learned along the way that have kept us moving along like a well-oiled clock.
Smile at Strangers. This is how they become friends. I have met so many new and amazing people and new friends, that I most likely wouldn’t have if I had stayed married, after all we had “our” routine. If you are shy simply smile at the person and 9 times out of 10 they will start the conversation.
Living alone doesn’t mean you have to be alone. If you are feeling particularly lonely call a friend one that likes to chat hours on end. Before you know it is 11’oclock and you have enjoyed your evening thoroughly.
Afraid of the Dark, not me. I thought it would be scary living in a place alone. I thought every noise in the night would scare me, but I found that without the emotional stress I slept better. Invest in a sound machine so that the cat jumping on the nightstand in the middle of the night doesn’t disturb your dreams.
Since my separation, I've been angry with God off and on. My life was in pieces, shattered beyond repair, and I needed someone to blame.
Now, 6 months later, I think what did God have to do with it? I made these decisions of my own free will, God didn't force me to marry him..
And then there are times when I get mad again and I think "why me?" and yet again, mad at God. Between these bouts of anger these past few weeks, I've had a few moments of clarity.
Let's suppose all this WAS God's fault.. well here's what I want to say to Him now:
Life events happen. There will be good times and there will be times when life is challenging. This is the cycle of life that happens to everyone without exception.
What differentiates people who come out of difficult times with a positive viewpoint versus those that don't; typically, is the perspective they choose to view life situations.
So often times when life isn't going the way we want we cry out 'Why me?' And then we struggle through a situation wondering why we feel empty, exhausted and ask 'When will it be Over?'
My experience is: It will be over when we learn from it.
I was recently talking with a divorced gentleman about his relationship with his Ex. They have an amicable relationship today; but it in the early days of post-divorce it was as if World War III had broken out between the two of them. His wife had an affair that ended their marriage; sad situation given they had two very young children.
