A common delima that arises within divorce is when one of the separating party prefers to keep the house for the sake of the children. While this may seem like a good idea at first, it can possibly often come with some unexpected results and ultimately end up not be the most economically feasible choice for you.
So, I'd like to present a way to help you determin what you can afford, so you can make a more informed decision about staying in the house. The following is assuming you and your STBX (soon to be ex) cannot come to an agreement.
First, have an honest talk with yourself. Can you afford it? Write a list of expenses:
I’m lonely tonight and I miss him. Well, not him exactly. It’s more like I miss the thought of him. The good him, the man I married with my heart a-flutter. The man who always made me feel safe, until he didn’t and it all went south with us. But still… I am lonely. And tired.
There is so much to do around this 100 year-old house we bought together. We both thought that restoring it would save our floundering marriage, kind of the same impulse people have when they think that having a baby will bring them back to the loving place, but without the diapers and midnight feedings.
Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. It’s all about family and friends getting together, seeing how many times in one day we can eat ourselves to the bursting point and how many naps we can take. There are no gifts to give, comfortable clothing is de rigueur and if you want to take your life in your hands, Black Friday comes fast on the heels of Turkey Thursday, and the shop-till-you-drop marathon that begins at 4:00 in the morning (if you’re truly dedicated) will leave you exhausted and good for nothing but eating leftovers and taking more naps. Thanksgiving is a day we like to proclaim how thankful we are for what we have. But what about the things we are thankful we don’t have?
Since when does loving someone mean living together with him 24/7? Since when do deep feelings and emotions between two people mean that you're built to cohabitate and function well under the same roof?
Since never, if you ask me.
There's a new trend for looking at relationships and marriages in a different light. It's called Living Apart, Together (or LAT for short). LAT couples recognize that they just aren't built to live together — but they still have feelings for each other. They live in their own homes, apart, but share time and love as a couple.
Sound strange? Not at all. It makes perfect sense, if you think about it. Just because you have feelings for someone else doesn't mean you enjoy that he can't operate a dishwasher or pick up after himself. He may love your spirit and smile but may be completely irritated with the way you handle your finances or your friends.
Lately, I'd lost my feeling of being settled and getting into the groove. I felt disjointed, tired, and fed up over my situation.
My mortgage application is still pending approval, and I'm tired and stressed over it. So close, and so far... yet I received some unexpected encouragement.
"You really should congratulate yourself no matter what happens," the bank manager said. I was confused. Congratulate myself on barely qualifying for a mortgage?
"You've come a long way in two years," she went on. "You left your husband. You had to grieve. You were alone with two kids, and you found a place. You built a successful business by yourself."
"Look at you," the woman stressed. "You're back on your feet and doing fine. If it's not this house, it'll be another. You're almost there, and you're on the path back to a healthy life. So congratulate yourself."
It amazes me how self-sufficient I have become since I got divorced. All of the little things my ex used to take care of like home repairs, yard work, and programming TIVO suddenly became things I had to learn how to do on my own, without any tutorial from him. It’s not like I had the opportunity to tap him on the shoulder when he was heading out the door and say “Oh by the way, could you show me how to change the belt on the vacuum cleaner and that trick you do with the screwdiver that keeps the faucet from dripping?” Nope. He was outta there and I was on my own.
Space… the final frontier? Nah, just the much-needed distance and solace you need after living under the same roof with the EX. The women of the D-Word weigh in on the pros and cons of being alone, loss of intimacy, and reclaiming ownership of the bed.
